Animals Never Bitch!

I’ve got some thoughts going on in my head these days. They might more accurately be described as judgements, but aren’t judgements also thoughts in the end? In any case, judgements, thoughts, whatever. It’s refreshing to feel alive with the electrical impulsation of thought procession. Not sure if a few of my previous word choices actually exist, but either Einstein or Twain said something along the lines of “Any boring idiot can use the same old language over and over again. It takes a damn genius to invent new words and patterns of speech.” Inside of that context (which I just made up), I guess that makes me a genius. Low SAT scores be damned!

So let’s talk about Life. Life in the literal sense, yes, as in L to the I to the F to the E, but also Life in terms of the superb BBC documentary series narrated by none other than Oprah Winfrey. Personally, I would prefer the standard British narrator to Harpo because  he reminds me of geeking out on science shows when I was kid, but Oprah’s pretty rad, so she did just fine. My Netflix cue is generally stacked full of science/astrophysics/sex/anthropology/history/modern culture and political documentaries, being peppered occasionally with an unbeatable classic, such as A League of Their Own and Stand By Me (two excellent films), and the BBC LIFE series has not disappointed.

Last night’s episode: Fish, Birds and Insects. Shwing! The science geek in me died and went to heaven. I could go on and on about how un-freaking-goddamn-holy crap-amazing is the diversity of Life on this planet, with its evolutionary adaptations, elaborate mating rituals, super sly predatory tactics, blazing colors, trippy ass shapes, sizes, etc, but instead I will boil it all down to one profound revelation that befell me upon watching my animal brethren, insect sistren and pescatorial familia:

Animals Never Bitch!

With the exception of human beings of course, who think our shit don’t stink. And, contrary to popularly held beliefs, we still fall within the jurisdiction of the animal kingdom. Case in point: I have unwanted body hair. My back hurts at certain times of the month, I have yet to lactate, but I kicked off all of my blankets last night: clearly a sign that I am a warm-blooded, hair producing, future lactating female specimen of the Animal Kingdom, Chordata Phylum, Mammalian Class, Primate Order, Hominid Family, Homo Genus , sapiens special sauce species. AKA: an animal.

The difference between me and the rest of animal life on Earth is that I bitch a lot. My dog chewed up my slipper = I bitched. I didn’t understand how to operate Quickbooks = I bitched. It’s cold in my bedroom before I’m getting into bed = I bitch. The pound bag of quinoa in the cupboard breaks and spills all over the kitchen = I bitch. My boyfriend interrupts me = I bitch. I’m hungry = I bitch. The laundry basket is full and the dryer is broken = I bitch. Something happens = I bitch. Something else happens = I bitch. Basically, I just bitch a lot.

So I’m watching LIFE and suddenly, the frequency with which I bitch comes into stark focus. It’s an active behavioral pattern for me. If another species were studying me (and perhaps the entire human population), I believe they would conclude beyond question, that a common behavioral practice for my particular hominid species is to complain and/or bitch, about well, EVERYTHING!

I was highly inspired by how every single solitary animal reflected in this documentary undergoes immense trial and challenge throughout the course of its existence, and nary a whine can be heard. For Gods-sake, Monarch Butterflies. These little creatures made of paper mache migrate all the way from South America to Canada every year, over-wintering in a very specific and highly endangered grove of Oyamel trees in Michoacan Mexico. None of the 2 billion butterflies who begin the journey make it, but instead their full migration is completed within 3 generations, carrying on the DNA fulfilling prophesy where the last leg left off. Many die…in fact they all die, even before completing the task that they are so driven to fulfill. All die. None complain.

Then you have tiny Hawaiian Gobies that climb up the sheer cliff of a massive waterfall to reach the safe and secluded pools at the top. Climbing fish. Yes. Many fall. Many die. None complain.

In Africa, Barbel Fish skim the scum off of hippo asses and gladly eat their voluminous billows of poop. They literally “eat Shit” and yet, none complain.

The Lammergeier or “bearded vulture” of Ethiopia has to compete for carrion with other birds of prey. It has adapted a special technique to open up the rich marrow reserves inside of animal bones by dropping them from high altitudes onto rocks. Again and again they miss their target…I’m talking OVER and OVER again, and meanwhile, other birds enjoy the spoils that chip off. But yet again, they persevere and none complain.

Red-billed tropic birds hunting sardines to bring back to their chicks get drilled repeatedly by air pirates called Magnificent Frigatebirds who snatch them in mid-air until they barf up the sardine goods. Even though bullies steal their lunch, the Red-Billed Tropic Bird does not complain. Nor does the Magnificent Frigatebird, who has to eat regurgitated sardine barf mash.

In Chilean Patagonia, male Darwin’s Beetles have to climb up huge ass trees to find prospective females. Once they get to the top, they encounter other males whom they spar with over scarce female resources. Using their huge mandibles, they launch each other out of the trees hundreds of feet up and back down to the forest floor. Again and again a male has to tussle and launch, tussle and launch other males overboard, only to be met with a snooty and disinterested female. But in the end, after having his way with her, he throws her overboard as well, and no one’s ego is bruised, feelings hurt, traumatized, tears shed. No one is butt hurt. No one cares. Always single minded, the male loser just picks himself up and climbs on, undaunted in his pursuit of tapping some unsuspecting female beetle abdomen.  Notice again: Climbing a tree (difficult), getting the crap kicked out of him (not cool), falling from tree (sucky), no girlfriend (bummer), no female to launch off the side of the tree after having his way with her (disappointing). And yet, unbelievably, no bitching.

I am now bored with writing this entry and will close by saying that insects, birds, fish and all animals (with the exception of humanoids) are to be commended for their stoic nature as they face the tribulations of Life. I tried to follow their example today, but something happened and I found myself again…bitching!