The Clearing I am…

This evening various questions were posed to me. I resist the hell out of them, because I know there is something for me to see here and I’d rather be righteous about how I’ve already got it figured out, but I can already feel the weight of all that I bring to the table from my super saturated past. This exercise is an opportunity to get into the world of reality in regards to the clearing (space) that I am and that I ongoingly create for a relationship to emerge within. 

1. Regarding romantic relationships, what do I regard as sacred?

What I regard as sacred within relationships is the presence of childlike love. The playmate/soulmate vibration between two hearts like kindergartners in a cosmic sandbox. The deep listening of who the other is, beyond what they are capable of seeing in themselves. The laughter shared between the smiling lips of lovers. Lazy hours spent creating love. The knowing. The undeniable knowing that all is right. 

2. What do I know to be true about Relationships?

They are delicious narcotics. They are short lived. They are fucking minefields of game playing and power tripping and statistically, in American culture at least, they boast a strikingly high rate of failure. That I’m going to get hurt. That I’m going to hurt someone else. That I both want one and want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction of being in one at the same time. 

3. What do I already know to be true about the way I need to be in relationships to make them work? 

Open and honest. I need to be an open book, expressing exactly what’s there for me otherwise I sit on communications and they fester to the point of explosion. I need to be independent and inspired by my own life otherwise I’ll turn into this obnoxiously clingy little twerp that I don’t even want to be around. I need to be careful, otherwise I will fall hard and fast and then be picking myself up off the floor, justifying all blame to the opposite party. I’ve got to be charming. I’ve got to keep score.

4. What do I know to be true about the people I encounter in relationships?

When I meet them its like I have beer goggles on and they look a hell of a lot better in that moment then they do farther down the road. And by that I don’t mean physically, I mean that after a while I start to get to know a man and he becomes less and less appealing. Everybody comes to the table with their suitcase full of past and baggage. That they are just as jacked as I am in this department.  That I can’t read the intentions of men. 

5. What are my strongly held views of relationships, what they are, what they are not, what they have, what they don’t have and what I must have in place and never violate?

That I want a family. I want a partner. I want someone to be the wind beneath my wings and live for me and for us and for himself as part and partial of our collective life together. Commitment. What must be in place and never violated is a communication about boundaries. Structure. Communication. 

6. What am I certain must be included in the future of relationships for me?

Failure. Settling for something less than what I would choose if I could choose exactly what I want. Mediocrity. Survival. Short lived glory. 

At the end of this exercise, I realize that I undoubtedly have some stanky dankness in the space around relationships. It’s no wonder I feel so inept at creating one that flourishes for longer than a few weeks. But to create something brand new….never seen before ever, I need to get to the ground zero of my stories and resistance to relationships. Ultimately, when I look at my current relationship status it is truly no surprise that I have what I have. I have more and will continue to have more of what I’ve always had…because that is the clearing that I presently am for relationships. 

To be continued….

La Luna

We are walking on the trail, guided by moonlight, holding hands. We don’t know each other very well, but there is some magical appreciation. Some mutual acknowledgment of spirit. We bump into each other from time to time as we walk, not on purpose, but victims of our bodies magnetized by the moon. It’s really beyond us. There is something greater at play here.

We emerge from the trees into a clearing and the moon greets us in all her luminescent splendor. A glowing orb of energy in the sky that envelopes us and we succumb to her beauty. A clearing in the sand beckons and we sit, entwined, drinking red wine and laughing. 

Like a braid we overlap and drink each other in, tasting the nectar of a moment, delighted slaves of the moon.